I live in The Good Place. If you are not familiar with The Good Place it was a show that took place in a form of Purgatory. It was not quite heaven and not quite hell. The show starred Kristen Bell and Ted Danson. Bell’s character is a self-acclaimed dirtbag. She dies and thinks that somehow she has tricked the Universe into letting her into heaven. She learns that she is in The Good Place.
The Good Place looks like heaven but nothing quite works. Everything is a pointless challenge that ends in the same place it started. It is death by paper cuts. No matter how hard the characters try, they never transcend to heaven. They are pawns in a grand experiment.
The Good Place for us started the day Davis was conceived. Two years on the IFV roller coaster finally worked out. I was going to be a dad. I could no longer babysit interns and wannabe startup founders. I needed to turn my startup incubator into a venture fund. This was the only way I could draw a salary. This is the only way I could pay for childcare.
I spent a year hunting down angel investors who did not see much value in what I was doing. I got meetings with high-net worth family offices. At one point, I spoke with the Bilderberg Family Office. The group hosts an annual meeting of world leaders and billionaires.
If you like conspiracy theories check these guys out. Some think this group sets global policies at the annual Bilderberg Meeting. The Bilderberg Group did not think I was ready to become a billionaire. They did not think I was ready to have unbridled access to political capital.
They were undoubtedly right but I would have liked the opportunity. Most likely, I would have turned into Dr. Evil overtime. I already have the haircut. I am only lacking a billion dollars, a gray suit and a creepy cat.
It was becoming obvious that four painful years of work was going to amount to nothing. The greedy bastards that run daycares operate on cold hard fiat cash. Paid in advance. They do not accept shit coins and advisor equity from failed startups. I don’t understand these people. Why would you not work for free for years in the hope of a big payout?
The Universe was sending us messages. A wildfire broke out one exit from our apartment. An electrical outage took place shortly after Davis was born. I was at a conference and Elizabeth was home alone with a newborn. Our apartment had become a little house on the prairie with no electricity.
Elizabeth may have been patient zero in the North American Covid 19 pandemic. She came down with a severe flue unlike anyone she had ever had. Things were not going well. The Universe was telling us to get out of California. We got the message but the path was unclear.
Being logical people, we made a list of every major city in the US. We thought about the pros and cons of each. Then decided that Denver had the best connectivity, location, and career opportunities. I kid, we don’t make decisions like that. We make major life altering decisions on a whim.
A friend, colleague and paid subscriber number two got me a free ticket to EthDenver. EthDenver is one of the largest community led crypto conferences in the world. I was a mere tourist.
I listened to Joe Lubin wax poetically about the origin of Ethereum. I wandered from booth to booth collecting swag. My friends and I hopped from after party to after party. We spent their companies money like their would be no tomorrow.
We did not know it but we were standing on the edge of the world. In a month from now the world would shut down. We would go inside. We would hide from the unknown.
Somewhere in this mess Elizabeth and I decided to move to Denver. Both of her bosses lived in Colorado. It would be hard to say that she could not do her job remote. She was a bit before her time. Months later remote work would become the only option. One would not have to take a pay cut to relocate. At the time, Elizabeth was flying to Seattle bi-weekly. So, we moved about a half hour away from the Denver Airport.
Denver seemed to attract and host a sufficient amount of weirdos and outcasts. I could see myself living here. The global technology accelerator/venture capital firm, Techstars is located in Boulder, CO. I had done about a decade's worth of free deal sourcing and evangelism for this company. Maybe if I moved to Denver I could finally get a paid position.
We convinced ourselves that this was the right move. We packed everything we owned and set out for a new life in Denver. We drove across country at the onset of the pandemic. We were pioneers. Many would follow.
We found a condo in a working class neighborhood on the edge of Aurora. It was only thirty minutes from the airport. Under normal circumstances, it was a nice and safe community. During the pandemic it was scary. It was located between a gated golf course and low-income housing.
The Aurora police department had a frightening number of police brutality charges. The Black Lives Matter movement was heating up and we were right in the middle of it. We were trying to survive the pandemic and raise our one and only child.
Everything had changed. Events shut down. Elizabeth no longer traveled for work. Every reason we moved evaporated. There was despair in the air. There was hopelessness in the abyss.
Elizabeth looked at the adjacent gated golf course. It looked safe and elegant. She wanted to live there. She googled gated golf courses. To her surprise she found a new development in Northern Colorado.
Thanks to pandemic pandemonium Elizabeth’s stock options doubled in value. We took our winnings and put them into a house. In a short period we went from we will never be able to afford a home to which luxury home should we buy?
So we packed up Davis and went to the salesroom. At the time Davis was quite agreeable. He could be strapped into a bassinet and carried anywhere. He was like a teacup poodle. An adorable accessory.
We sat down with the sales rep. I call her Texas big hair. She was in her late fifties. She looked and spoke like Dolly Parton. She had fake blonde hair that reached to the sky. She drove a brand new Range Rover and boasted a huge wedding ring. In hindsight, these were all signs letting us know that she was being very well compensated. She was amply rewarded for her trickery.
She sold us on the dream of living here. A gated community. A walking trail. Clubhouse with a gym and resort style pool. A new elementary school would be coming soon. No need to mow you lawn or shovel your snow. Everything is taken care of. Everything is included.
Such a deal! Well, Texas big hair how is all this paid for? Oh don't you worry about that hun. It is all included in your HOA fees and Metro Tax. Sign right here!
Anarchist Brett would be against this. Anarchist Brett was no where to be seen. Undoubtedly, he is living out of the back of his Subaru at some ski resort. Probably, running a small cult with aspirations of running a much larger one.
Chardonnay Brett was in the building. He was in transition to stay at home dad, he was more a ninety-fifties housewife than man of the house. Chardonnay Brett wanted his family to be safe. That is not something he could not provide. He was along for the ride.
Texas big hair hand over that paperwork! Where do I sign?
Cheers,
Chardonnay Brett
To be continued
Credit: Liz, who is like the older sister I never wanted but glad I have. She has bailed me out more than once. Someday I might do something nice for her. ;)