Christmas Cards

It's that time of year, when every family with young children send out Christmas cards. To be honest, it is more of an obligation than a joy. Sure they are a waste of time, money and a perfectly good tree but they are a tradition. Grandma gets what grandma wants.

The goal is to make your family look perfect. Honestly, it is a nice way to let your friends, family and neighbors know that you are better than them. Here is a pic of us at Disney Land. This pic only cost us two years of college tuition. Hey friend, our sporting team won the big game. We bought tickets for the whole family because we are super bad with money. Good luck keeping up with us! I would not advise it. We are on the brink of bankruptcy and divorce. You wouldn't know that looking at our Christmas card.

Early on we made a decision to be authentic in our obligatory Christmas card. Once a year we take a family picture. No matter what happens we put it on the Christmas card. It is always a ‘S’ show. It has taken five years but I am starting to learn how to dad-cuss. My only goal is to make grandma happy and hopefully make someone smile.

Highlights from this year’s card include a snowy day that turned rainy. A trained dog that went feral. An exhausted child that we pumped full of candy in the hope he might perform. He is not a fudging seal. He is an unwieldy child. By the end of the photo shoot the child was spitting at me and throwing punches. This is not an exaggeration. To put it mildly, it was a cluster-fudge of a fudging train wreck.

Listen, I would love some photo evidence that I am not a complete failure as a husband, father and stay-at-home dad. There is nothing to document that. It is my cross to bear.

Now if you authentically have your stuff together. Good for you! I wish you the best. Feel free to unsubscribe. This blog has been a waste of time, so one less free subscriber won’t break the bank.

I digress. The photographer felt obligated to try to get some bull-snot perfect couple pic. Don’t waste your time lady. That ain't us! You are not going to capture that moment. If you do, it won’t make the card.

Here is my not so humble brag. I live on a golf course in Colorado. For some unexplainable reason, my son is off the charts handsome. My wife is a savant at her job. She made more money getting laid off this year than everyone one of our peers made working this year. We collected five Michelin stars. We saw three Netflix level comedians in person. I stayed at a Waldorf Astoria not a Holiday Inn. To top it all off we finished our basement and backyard with cash. Take that Dave Ramsey! Chardonnay Brett is living the life.

You're not going to see any of that stuff on the Christmas card. Why? First, I am not white trash. I’m not some loser that posts every life experience on Instagram. Have some G.D. self respect. Don’t post it on social media. Be an intellectual, write a blog that no one fudging reads. It is higher brow. I’d like to think it is what Anthony Bourdain would have done.

Second, my day to day life is much harder than it looks. My child has a learning disability and anger management issues. He might have ADHD and is somewhere on the spectrum. I love him dearly but he breaks me daily. We live our lives in a cycle of meltdowns. High-high and low-lows. We are on the crazy train. The train has long since gone off the rails. This is our life. This is me now!

I dwell at the backdrop of the Colorado front range. The daily view is one for a post card. It is a lovely neighborhood filled with people I can’t stomach. The ones I like, make me think, I would really regret leaving here. So, I am stuck. The dog only obeys because he feels sorry for me. I spoke poorly about the wife's cooking and now I doomed to a life of broccoli cutting purgatory. Brett has it ruff. ;)

All the weight I lost last year came back in about a month. I have spent most of this year in a low grade depression. I’ve spilled my guts and personal struggles in this blog. Why? It is cheaper than therapy. In return I have twenty-eight followers and three paid subscribers. This year has been a total waste of time.

I look around and see people who are living the life I worked really hard to have. Maybe it is real. Maybe it is fake. I don’t know and I will never know. All I know is that I love my dysfunctional family. I couldn’t imagine being part of a functional family. I both love and loath the idea of a white picket fence life. A guy like me will never achieve it. If I did, it would bore me to tears. I am doing the best I can with the resources and skills I have.

I try to capture the struggle that is living in The Good Place in the Christmas card. It is a struggle to capture the struggle. The pursuit of perfection is a waste of time. We buy things we don’t need to impress people we do not like. It is a vicious circle of striverism and consumerism. It is killing you and it is killing the planet. So stop!

If there is anything I know, it is that life is fleeting. Everything you have today can be taken away. Don’t live your life for the admiration of others. Whatever your life is, put it on a card and send it to everyone you have ever met. It's tradition. Don't let grandma down.

In my misguided opinion, it is important to be authentic. Maybe someone is standing on edge and they don’t need a pic of your perfectly curated life. Maybe they don’t need one more fabricated social media post about your lunch. Like I said, these are my misguided thoughts and opinions.

Chardonnay Brett is giving you permission to take a break from trying to be perfect. Drink some egg nog. Get a little snockered and tell friends how much you love them. Unsubscribe from perfection. Subscribe to being the best version of your imperfect self.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

Love,

Chardonnay Brett

In loving memory of Anthony Bourdain